Wednesday, December 17, 2003

jack white gets mad...and timmmiii avoids fighting at all costs

damn, jack fucked up the von bondies singer Jason Stollsteimer saturday night in detroit.
these pics not for the squeamish.

word on the street is that jack and him have a beef surrounding production credits on the von bondies 2001 record Lack of Communication.
apparently jason has been telling people that jack really didn't do much on their first record....and if you read the above link to the review of Lack, it goes on and on about how jack took the band under his wing.
in fact, i recall seeing the von bondies at the magic stick in 2001, while i was home for christmas, and jack white was there. at the time, i think jack was dating VB guitarist Marcie Bolen. funny.
anyway, word is from some o the peeps at the show, is that jack came up to jason and started yelling "So i didn't produce your record, huh?" and stuff related to that. And then within seconds Jack was punching Jason, so from what i can tell, jack started it....but if jason was disavowing jack's help...which it seemed he gave them (the white stripes were definitely already established by the time von bondies came along and it seemed that was their key distinction in helping them become more visible in the indie rock scene -- i mean, the VB are a good band. i like that record a lot, actually)....then, i can see why jack was pissed.

if any of this is really the true story. which it may or may not be.
who the fuck knows.
i guess the whole incident took like only 30 seconds.
even members of the band playing when the incident occurred could barely tell what had happened. one guy said by the time he realized there was a fight and who it was, it was over.
funny, now that i think of all the fights i've ever seen, rarely do they last very long. often just a few seconds, a few punches, which is usually preceded by pushing and shoving, yelling threats and other animalistic tendencies.

the only ones that ever last long are the ones that are more like wrestling matches, with some punches thrown in.
hmm, that's how some of the fights happened that i was ever involved with.
not that i'm much of a fighter.
i'm a lover, not a fighter, see.

that reminds me of when i was but a wee teen, valiantly trying to avoid conflict at all costs.
i remember sitting in my friend tim danowski's driveway late one night in ol' Comstock Park -- must have been like fucking 1985-86 cuz i was driving -- in my 1972 blue Volvo watching him wrestle with this other dude in their front yard. some punching involved. seemed like it took forever, as i recall.
of course, i was much too terrified to get out of the car, since the other dude's similiarly angered friend was punching at my frickin driverside window, telling me to get out of the car.
yeah, and as soon as i would have i been punched in the face. however....i could have shoved the door in his face unexpectantly. but hey, i was young...i didn't understand.
it seems like we pissed off these guys somehow, though i don't remember how. maybe we were coming from the gas stations just up the street.
i do remember that i had to take tim home, only a few blocks away, and i remember these guys following us. so we pulled into his driveway, mistakenly thinking that they wouldn't follow us onto private property.
of course....this is how I thought...duh. not very realistic.

i think the fight woke up his parents, because it seems like the kids took off pretty quickly. at that point, there was me, emerging from the car without a scratch.
tim was mad at me for not helping him, because i think the one kid punching my window helped his friend with punching tim and finally gave up on me (never mind that the passenger side door was open the whole time -- apparently he never noticed, amidst all of his rage), but when his parents turned the lights on, they stopped fighting and ran off in their car.

god, that reminds me when i was about 9 years old, and we were at this playground in North Park, i believe for one of my mom's church softball games. Ol' Betty Ann played softball for a good many years, she did. she was a damn good softball player, too. she was a rocker.
anyway, we must have been at this playground for a softball game because it was an unfamiliar playground and new kids, so we were at a disadvantage. we didn't control that playground, those jungle gyms were different than ours, and we were unsure of the hierarchy.
plus there were several tough-looking african american kids.
and at age 9, i had been around very few people of color. call it being lucky enough to grow up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, in a super-white suburb (really, i think there one ONE African American boy who attended classes at my school but only for a couple years).
so naturally i was somewhat afraid of them. plus i was small (or as this guy told me last night, a "short inseam" - thanks mark!).
anyway, my friend, jim parris, got into a scuffle with one of the kids because of something i had said or did, not that i actually recall what i did. maybe took their swing or something. i don't know. Jim stood up for me, basically because i was small and afraid.
and he got punched in the stomach for it. ah, to be young again, when life was so simple.
he took a punch for me. and i'm just left with all the guilt, years later.
i mean, i felt bad for him, but i was glad it wasn't me. being hurt sucks.

i did that another time in daytona beach, the night i was severely drunk and told this giant football player type, whose seat i was sitting in, to fuck off.
and they weren't even being dicks to us about us sitting in their seats...that is, until i told them to fuck off.
somehow my friend Kim got me out of that one.

home on the fray
i'm sick of telling people where i'm from. i recall a dude last year being apprehensive to tell me where he was originally from.
he's like "i'm from here, yo, san francisco."
and i'm like "so you were born here?"
"ok, then where are you from originally?"
"Oh, where am i from originally? (all sarcastic)
"um, yeah, originally."

the answer is not the point.
(plus i don't remember, maybe ohio or pennsylvania?)
the point is he lived in san francisco now and considered this home.
and now i consider this home.
i'm sorry i'm not tight with all my buddies in GR anymore but that's how it goes. when you're not living in the same town, it makes it pretty difficult to stay in constant touch. you've all got your own lives to lead. and people generally understand that. of course, it sucks when you never talk altogether but unfortunately some people fall by the wayside. again, nobody's fault, just the way it is.
and don't be thinking all bruce hornsby on my ass right about now!
at least i didn't end it with, "it's just the way it goes, some things will never change."
anyway, my original point was that i'm tired of telling people the whole fucking story of coming here. i need to arrive. i have arrived. but i need to ARRIVE, as it were. but yeah. so...fuck, i'm on some "magic window" right now (thank you boards of canada for giving me 1 minute 46 seconds of silence. i can dig on silence. and wow, the point is well taken, a time to reflect on the preceding tunes on the geogaddi album...but i fucking digress).
i just want to say i'm from oakland. if people keep on delving, i'll be like, yeah, i moved here almost four years ago but not volunteer all the info up front.
let the snubs begin.
on the other hand, california is chock full of people from everywhere else.
so, yeah.
i'm stupid.

but i just like to get angry about stupid shit.
isn't it fun?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

FFF #10 (Santa Claus Stole My Weekend Edition)

1. Santa!
A sea of red and white as far as the eye could see. More than 200 Santas converged in San Francisco Saturday for the annual SantaCon and it was spectacular fun. Passersby, with looks of astonishment, didn't know what to make of the various Santas, who come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, and creeds. I don't think I'll ever forget seeing all those Santas rocking out in an alley in the Financial District stuffing their faces with corndogs and PBR while a DJ Santa spun tunes from the back of a truck. Or giving high fives to all the kids we saw, most of whom delighted in the Santa extravaganza. Then again, taking over the escalators at the San Francisco Shopping Center was pretty fun too. And so was using the Jack Kerouac alley next to Vesuvio's as a Santa fashion runway. I think the Beats would
have been proud -- or bewildered.

2. The Best Of Will Ferrell on SNL (DVD)
Just so damn funny. I wish it were like four hours. Definitely scrumtralacent. "I've got a fever and the only more cowbell."

3. Goldfrapp Black Cherry (Mute)
I don't know why it took me more than six months to get into this album, but it did. No matter. Anyone expecting the lush, more orchestral elements of Goldfrapp's first one will be surprised by Black Cherry's darker, more sinister electro vibe. Yet, similar to Felt Mountain, this record is a audiophile's dream with pristine production, sounding especially good on headphones or a deluxe sound system.

4. John Denver "Rocky Mountain High" (RCA)
I vaguely recall seeing John Denver perform this song on TV in the '70s, walking in the woods on a large mountain while eagles soared over his head. Now sure, John Denver isn't exactly regarded as being cool (though his death was somewhat mysterious, helping the mystique a bit), but there's something uplifting about "Rocky Mountain High," a pull-at-your-heartstrings, puff-up-your-chest melody. It makes me want to go climb a mountain in my head (it would be too hard in real life).

5. Holiday Party Open Bars
The key is to get invited to as many holiday parties as humanly possible. Sure, it requires being nice to people you would normally never want to talk to (other than exchanging knowing nods of approval while passing in a hallway), but the unlimited supply of top shelf alcohol and free food makes the season just a little bit brighter (except when you ingest too much of that top shelf alcohol and forget to eat, but that hardly ever happens).

One love, one Santa,


Friday, December 12, 2003

Goodbye Keiko

i love whales so much.
i shed a few tears for Keiko tonight.
Keiko died earlier today.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

i'm screwed


Hearing loss in adults could be the result of their short stature. That's the surprising finding of a Swedish study that actually goes so far as to conclude that short people are predisposed to hearing problems. The potential for adult hearing loss develops in the prenatal period, HealthDayNews reports of the research led by Marie-Louise Barrenas of the Goteborg Pediatric Growth Research Centre of Goteborg University.

The study: Two groups of men were recruited for the study. The first group included 479 men ages 20 to 64 who were exposed to noise on their jobs. A second group of 500 randomly-selected men all born in 1974 who were not exposed to noise on the job served as the control group. Data were collected on each man's height, weight, exposure to noise, heredity for hearing loss and other medical disorders, and the use of medication.

The results:
Unexpectedly, there was no association to noise exposure at work and hearing loss among the first group.
In the control group, short men were twice as likely as men of normal or tall height to suffer a hearing loss.
Shortness was associated with a family history of hearing loss.
Among the first group of workers, those who were short had worse hearing than expected for their age.
Short workers were three times more likely to have hearing loss compared with taller workers.
Short workers were 12 times more likely than taller workers to be taking medication.

Barrenas says that during gestation, there are various negative factors that can affect the growth of the fetus. One of these factors is a low level of the growth hormone IGF-1, which causes the newborn baby to have a reduced number of cells at birth. That causes the child to be shorter than normal. That has a lifetime effect on the individual's health and can increase the risk for early onset of age-related health problems, including hearing loss.

The research was published in the British Medical Journal.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Favorite Albums of 2006

my time machine rocks.

1. Fight The Future "Octogenarians O.A.R. (Obey All Replicants)"

2. Len Bias Experience "Able-Bodied Female Seeks Adjustable Fate"

3. The Irish Springs "Clean As A Whistle"

4. Gavin Nuisance & The Chipmunks "Rocky Top"

5. Big Baby Jesus "Away In A Manger (No Crib Remixes)"

Monday, December 08, 2003

Charmin wins this round

it's true. in a just-happened back-to-back test picking up errant urine on the bathroom floor, i used a couple squares of the albertson's brand versus ultra charmin and charmin won handily. you need less paper to absorb a greater amount of urine and other items.
now we know.

it's about the details.

news that happened today:
people died.
people lived.
people moved forward.
people stepped backward.
people fucked up.
people rocked hard.
people fucked.
people broke up.
people yelled.
people pooped.
people enjoyed.
people laughed.
people stared.
people sighed.
people cried.
people died.


supposedly gore is endorsing dean. interesting.

i really hope matt wins. but i'm a bit worried.
i'm 'cautiously optimistic.'


Saturday, December 06, 2003

Surprise! Bushies manipulate Thanksgiving Day visit

I really shouldn't be surprised about this, that the turkey Bush was photographed with on his covert trip to Baghdad was a fucking prop.
This Administration has absolutely no shame in exploiting every situation as much as possible for their potential gain.

Destroy America, Vote GOP

Friday, December 05, 2003

FFFriday #9 ("Turn Me On Dead Man Edition")

1. Vince Guaraldi A Charlie Brown Christmas
At a recent Thanksgiving gathering, one of my friends said this was THE Christmas album and i heartily agree. One of the few Christmas-themed albums i can listen to from front to back and not want to pound my fists on the ground in Christmas angst (yeah, i have issues). Christmasy, yes, but in a round-about way, plus it reminds me of the Charlie Brown Christmas special, which i always thought was cool.

2. The San Francisco Mayoral Runoff Election
Being an unapologetic political junkie, i haven't been this excited about an election since Clinton in 1992. The whole city seems electrified about it, especially Matt Gonzalez supporters. For the first time, someone's running for public office that I can relate to, at least in theory -- he has a roommate, for christ's sake.
Never mind the fact that i can't actually vote in the damn election, being an Oaktown resident and all. Go Matt! It's your birthday.

3. War (If It Feels Good, Do It!) Various (Hip Hop Slam)
A new anti-war compilation from San Francisco label Hip Hop Slam serves up some deliciously harsh critiques of the Bushies, including some clever cut-and-paste speeches of Dubya. Some tracks are better than others, but it's refreshing to hear the hip-hop community coming together with such a unified voice. Especially solid are Tino Corp's "Dubya (Commander In Chief)," Guerrilla News Network's "Good vs. Evil," DJs of Mass Destruction's "War Is What They Got" and lots more.
For more info, click here.

4. American Song-Poem Christmas Various (Bar/None)
Basically, these songs were made by would-be songwriters in the 60s and 70s who would pay to have their song recorded "professionally" by random session musicians (the first one was "The American Song-Poem Anthology"). Now, Bar/None has released a Christmas album, and my god, there is some really wacko stuff on here: "Santa Came On a Nuclear Missile" (duel meanings aside), "Rocking Disco Santa Claus," "Daddy, Is Santa Really Six Foot Four?," and family favorite "Merry Christmas Polka."

5. Lord of The Rings fever
People are genuinely excited about the final chapter. My boss at work turns into a big pile of gleeful geekness when we talk about it. It's nuts, maybe eclipsing (gasp!) Star Wars fever in the late '70s & early '80s.
SPECIAL BONUS FOR LOTR GEEKS: My brother is the manager of a movie theatre in Detroit area and called me the moment he saw an advance screening of Return Of The King earlier this week, raving it was better than the first two installments combined. "People expecting a lot won't be disappointed," sayeth DavePratt.
Opening Dec. 17 (hee).


-1. Republicans (yes again)
Just because. They're such big meanies. Weanies too.

-2. Finding out that the dude behind Mannheim Steamroller is not only a mega-mega millionaire but he was the person behind "C.W. McCall" who wrote the seminal '70s classic "Convoy."
I weep.
preparation - what a novel concept

Now this is encouraging.
We have no more flu vaccines available.

they're gone.
in what is being called the worst flu season in a long fucking time.
looking good.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

any way you look at it, you're obsessed with quarters

hava nigela.
don't you wish you could have robot love like i do?

see, everything changes when you look at things from another angle.

why does nothing make sense?
what is happening? is it all just spiraling out of control in this freefall maze? are we nothing? are we everything?

pep talk for the homeboys.

that's what it 's all about.

i wish i could stand.
i wish you could stand.
i wish somebody could stand up and say hello. for tomorrow we may die.
tomorrow tomorrow.

it's only a day away.
you've got to do something besides licking christmas presents.
you should anyway.
back to the matter at hand.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Here's a good primer on both candidates in the Mayoral race for San Francisco.

i watched the debates earlier this evening. gavin is SUCH a made-for-tv politician but seems to know very little about anything concrete. he speaks in broadstrokes without really saying anything, hence, he's highly electable in the democratic party's eyes.
even if he loses this race, he'll likely run (and win) for a state congressional seat or something.

but gavin did have some active hand gestures though, including the thumb pushed slightly outward over near-fist, signaling he means business (clinton used to do that all the time). and he stretches his arms out in front of him a lot to, like he's dishing up goodness for all the citizenry. lots of nodding, smirking and hand-wringing.
he comes off very fake, disingenuous...though he did grow up in the marina, which means he's extra extra smart. yeehaw!
i hear his restaurant is good. i've never been. plumb jack's or some shit. yeehaw.

and speaking of yeehaw...

ever hear of a compilation called God Less America?
it's on Crypt Records and is described as "Sick comp of twisted 50s to mid-60s Country & Western tales of drugs, alcohol, murder, stupidity and in-breeding" (though i didn't hear any inbreeding going on).
but plenty of badness that's for sure.
my personal favorite has to be "Please Don't Go Topless, Mother" by Troy Hess, who sounds like he's about 8-10 years old, singing it in all seriousness.
fucked up.
or for super super downer shit, "the drunken driver" by Granpa Joe is about as sad as it gets, a drunk father running over his two young children, the daughter's dying words lamenting how she was coming to see her beloved daddy.
ol' granpa joe sounds mighty choked up.


this other track, "rock n' roll killed my mother" by the Hi-Fi Guys, doesn't even really make sense. like, i still can't figure out how rock n roll actually killed their mother.
and their rhyme scheme is um, interesting.
"if we can't figure out a word to rhyme, why don't we just make 'oooweeee' sounds and make it work instead?"

but please, please don't go topless mother. you don't need to put up a front.

oh! i watched paris hilton in her new show The simple life." i gotta admit, pretty funny, because she's a complete idiot. i think she may have been playing up the dumb element though.
i'll watch tomorrow. i'm such a trendwhore.
classic coke is the best.
your stench is bothering me.

can you my darling, can you picture this?
animals strike curious poses
Ask The Honkey

Alright folks, it's another exciting round of "Ask The Honkey," where you, the extra-informed readers, get to ask the questions you've always wanted to ask white people but were afraid you'd get a severe beating from compassionate Republicans (like Tom DeLay or Rick Santorum) if you actually asked these questions.

Q: Dear Honkey,
What is the most racist city in the United States?

Wondering in Walla Walla

A: Well WIWW,
Before this past weekend, I would have said "Try anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line!" But thanks to the caring activities of the Cincinnati Police Department, I'd have to go with Cincinnati. I mean, sure the guy was breaking the law by sleeping in a White Castle and calling the cop a "whiteboy redneck" (i wouldn't advise calling anyone in uniform a redneck, even white people) but nobody deserves to get beaten to death. ok, maybe a few people deserve to get beaten. but i'm a peacenik really.

Dear Honkey,
Q: Am I the only person of color in the entire world that likes Paul Oakenfold?

Bunkka Badunkadunkdonk

A: Dear BB,

Dear Honkey,
Q: Is it true that white women don't age as well African American women? Or am i just getting a shitload of premature wrinkles at 27?

Sobbing in Sandusky

Dear SIS,
A: Hello? Didn't you ever hear the saying "Black Don't Crack?" Apparently not, you fool. I mean, sure, genes and all that shit have something to do with it. But i've also noticed that white girls, ahem, i mean "party" girls, end up getting those crows feat creeping in at about 25 or so, more pronounced by 30. The laugh lines, the forehead wrinkles, the nose crinkle, all of it, starts loading up sooner than you think -- especially if you're lining up a bunch of rails every weekend, smoking a bunch of cigarettes, and drinking 5-30 beers each weekend night. i recommend getting a lot more sleep, doing less/more drugs, steal yourself a bunch of needles and start injecting botox into your skull, and wear a lot more wrap-around sunglasses as fashion statements.
Also, don't smile or laugh as much. Be extremely serious. You'll have a lot to be brooding about anyway because your face looks like real shit.... your anxieties are about to take root and multiply, grandma.
See SIS, you're not smiling now.

Dear Honkey,
Q: Do cats face racial discrimination like some humans do?

Pondering in Paducah

A: Of course they do. My cat Frank is often discriminated against because of the color of his fur and it's fucking bullshit. I mean, look at this cat, forcing him into the cramped, singular room just because of his fur color. Poor kitty, he should eat those people. I mean, come on, look at Roy Horn. He had it coming.

that's all the time we have today.
if you're interested in asking the honkey a question, be sure to email him at:

and ask for honkey.
he'll try to satisfy all your honkey needs.
sorry, most white people not eligible to submit until you pass rigorous safety standards mandated by the Patriot Act.
and remember, honkeys aren't all bad. you might like to own one of them someday. Just ask Karl Rove how happy he is to be owned.

your friend and patriot,
Captain Fat-Ass the Honkey
Offending white people for centuries

Monday, December 01, 2003

How can people be so intolerant?

I'm literally amazed, though i shouldn't be, at the level of ignorance going on in this country.
Punishing a child for saying the word "gay" is fucking ridiculous and repugnant, even worse when you find out he was merely describing his mother.

I'm so appalled. Fucking fools.
i guess the biggest question i have to conservatives is this: How does a person being gay affect you or your life in any way?
I have many friends who are gay and/or bisexual and it has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever, as far as their sexuality affecting me in my daily life. Just like most people's sexual partners have no bearing on me in my daily life. And why should it?
There is no reason.
Close-minded hate-mongering Christians (itself an oxymoron considering Christians are supposed to be all about love -- yeah, as long as you believe their narrow-minded logic) simply want to push their belief system onto everyone else.
I grew up going to a Baptist church, even a Baptist private school for three years, so it's not like I'm talking out of my ass here, and i can tell you i consistently viewed hypocritical behavior on their part, often hateful behavior --- like toward me.
i know the bible. i studied it, i've read it, more than once. And while Jesus taught people to bear witness to their faith, i never got the impression it meant forcing them to believe what you believe. persuasion is something else. attempt to persuade as much as you want. i can run away from you.
but don't shove your skewed hateful rhetoric down my throat if i don't want it.

you know, it's funny, i don't even believe in marriage at all. i think it's a outdated, asinine concept that people largely follow because it's "the right thing to do."
yeah, slavery at one time was thought of as being "the right thing to do." but gee, somehow we eventually realized that we were grossly violating fellow humans' basic rights as individuals.

ah..i know i'm spinning a familiar tale here, one that you've heard before but i just can't fucking believe how foolish and wrong people are. i don't pretend to have all the answers but i do know that letting people have whatever sex they want with other consenting adults, no matter what gender they are, is a basic fundamental right as a living being.

what, are christians angry because people are actually having sex for (gasp) pleasure only???? are they mad because it's not for procreation?
hello! eventually the U.S. will restrict the number of children you have just like china already has because we're going to run out of room on this planet someday in the not-too-distant future.
but yeah! let's just keep on procreating and fill up the planet with our magical seeds. but don't forget, sex isn't pleasurable. sex is just for more humans to use up more of the earth's finite resources.

god....this could go on forever, i know.
this ranting.

but i just don't get why people are so vehemently against gay marriage or gays in general. people can spout about "god's law." yeah, this is the same god who advocated polygamy but we don't think that's ok anymore. how is it that some of the things god approved of back in B.C. times (ah, the good old days, right?) he no longer approves of?
i used to ask that of sunday school teachers as a kid and was always rebuffed with little or no answers...or with some shit like "you've just got to have faith, timmmy. it's god's will."
yeah, god's will to be whatever you conveniently find to be reprensible or unapproving on any given day.

my original point about marriage is that it's outdated and a custom that is no longer necessary. and yes, i realize the rewards our god-loving government will give me (not to mention what my family would give me as far as money and gifts) if i was made into a perfect union under god's eyes. but that just makes me more anti-marriage, more resistant to that lockstep form of conformity.

but yet...see, here's where, if i were a hate-mongering christian believing this, i would continue to barrage everyone i know the horrors of satanic marriages and that all the people didn't believe me, well, they'd be going to hell then. because that's how they are about the gay marriage thing.

see, i can show my maturity and ability to think rationally as a human saying that, while i hold these strong opinions about marriage, they are still just opinions and not necessarily fact to anyone else but me. hence, there's no way i would in any attempt others to be forced to believe this. if you want to get married, that's fine, great, rock on with your bad selves.
how does that affect me?
not in the least bit.

so why should there be any difference between the choices of a heterosexual or a homosexual person? it's a personal choice.

this could and will go on forever.
of course i have other things i should be working on.

i need some grape juice.
Good morning, it's December 1.
Merry Capitalism!

FFF #8

1. Kompakt tour feat. Michael Mayer & Reinhard Voigt at Club Six, SF, 11.28
I felt compelled to get outta the house Friday night and yay for me, twas fun fun fun! The Cologne, Germany-based techno label represented in the USA for the first damn time on this tour. Really solid music, just the right mix of minimal techno with slivers of funk. i haven't danced like that in awhile. felt good. i was exhausted all day saturday and it was worth it.

2. Lost In Translation
I finally saw this film and i really dug it. It's very strange how it moves along, never really explicitly telling you anything, very subtle and graceful. Plus the music worked ery well with most of the scenes. i SO loved the inclusion of My Bloody Valentine and new Kevin Shields tracks, though i think my hat's gotta be tipped to the new Air track, "Alone in Kyoto" -- so eerie and gorgeous, it makes me feel like i'm underwater, just...floating.
Oh! And Scarlett Johannsson, i love her. There's something about her that's very sexy, yet mysterious....thumbs/thumps up Sofia Coppola. You done good.

3. Adam Green "Jessica"
Oh my god, i recently discovered this gem, a lilting tune doing some serious hating on Jessica Simpson. which, i'm happy about, especially since it's sung totally straight by Adam Green, also a member of The Moldy Peaches.
"Jessica Simpson, where has your love gone? It's not in your music, no....Jessica Simpson, you've got it all wrong. Your fraudulent smile, the way that you faked it the day that you died...your lovelife precedes you, your son-in-law feeds you injections of cortisone."
Jessica Simpson must be stopped. Along with her lacky husband Nick Lachey.

4. The Glenn Campbell mug shot
Ain't he pretty?
Like a rhinestone cowboy, he is. but by the time he gets tha fuck outta phoenix, he'll be crying bout giving a knee to a cop more so than any minor fender bender he was runnin' from.

5. Thanksgiving
I'm not necessarily down with how the pilgrims fucked over the indians, but to me, thanksgiving is just a cool day to prepare a shitload of food (There's nothing quite like the grinding noise of an ice cream maker kicking into high gear at 9 a.m. in the morning), get together with a whole bunch of people you dig on (family, friends, mr. potato head), and scarf down as much food as you possibly can.
and then, when you think you're stomach is about to explode like the android in the first "Alien," you realize that, YES, you can shove another giant stack of turkey slices in your mouth. i love turkey. bring on the gobblers.
plus i love how the world kinda just shuts down. sort of, anyway.

and now...
-1. the christmas onslaught.
bah humbug...bob cratchit didn't know shit.

and to all a good fright,