Friday, December 31, 2004

Last Day of the Fucking Year

it was a FUCKING year, was it not?
christ.
i glanced back at my entries from about august through november and they're filled with a lot of vitriol (not undeserved, mind you) toward W. and the GOP at large.
I still hate them, but i had to let that shit recede so it didn't completely consume me. and it did consume me.
as many have said, i felt like someone had died the day after the election, or i should say, the several days after the election.
it was hard.
fucking sucked.
but we have to deal. we have to accept this. and pray that things will be ok.
a lot to ask i realize.


so what am i doing today?
enjoying my day off (second day in a row! four day weekend yo! fuck yeah bitches), getting my cds together, finally, though i'm realizing how big of a job it really is. christ almighty for heaven's sake.

what else am i doing?
drinking Red Tail. a damn fine red ale from Ukiah, Calif. i've found i really like a lot of California beers. it really does feel like i've moved to a different country here in California.
i love it here. even with all the bullshit, all the people, all the everything. still worth it.

all of it.
love love love california. this is my home.
though i had a good visit back to my native land of grand rapids, michigan, last week. a week ago today was christmas eve, unbelievably, and i was just getting on the road to head north to Ensley Center, near Howard City, Michigan, to see my dad's mom. she just turned 80 recently. i love talking to her. i love talking to both my grandmothers actually. i've bonded with them the last few years, since i've moved West. always talking about the past, it seems. i guess i'm the only one in the family that's so interested in the past...but that's what grandmothers have, above all else. experience. life experience. the past. remembering where we came from.
i love all that.
the reason i'm here right now writing this is because of the decisions of my ancestors before. yeah, i know how it sounds, but i really do think about this a lot. it's important, to know where you came from, i feel. we have so little else to hang onto these days. i don't want to forget about my past, my family.

so there it is.
yeah.
2004 is less than 9 hours from being over.
it's crazy.
2004 was a fucked up crazy year.
i realize we are living in very unique times. i feel lucky to be living through a time of such great, fast-moving change.
though the concept that i'm continuing to age is a little strange for me.
the bad cliche that it is, "time marches on" still rings true.
it's messed up.

my stomach growls right now.
i gained at least five pounds over the holidays.
not that i should be surprised. i'm not.
though i'm bummed because i was just starting to let the weight drop lately.
oh well, back on to the leaner diet for me, i'm sure.
i've done well this year, quitting soda pop being a huge feat for me.
no shit.
i've been drinking soda pop since i was a small child. hence, why my teeth should be in slightly better shape than they currently are. they ain't falling out just yet, but i'm going to have to worry about it till the rest of my life.

so yeah, rock.
things are changing.
everything is changing.
the whole world is changing.
understatement of the year, no?

of course.
and still i smoke weed.
heh.
i do.
i don't care if people know.
fuck it.
it shouldn't be illegal, and in my world, it pretty much isn't.
people here really don't care.
everybody i know smokes at least once or twice a year.
though most i know smoke much more than that.
sure, i realize smoking is still bad, even if it's not smoking cigarettes, which is much much worse.
and i quit that shit may 3, 1999, at 6:38 p.m. EST in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
tis true.
yeah, i've had a few cigarettes since that day, but very very few. and i didn't have ANY cigarettes at all for at least three years, in fact i think one of my first was christmas 2002, when i got super sick from smoking a marlboro 100 of wendie's in fort wayne.
that sucked ass.
i stink currently.
whooo.

i like the word bloke
i think i have UK envy.
i plan to be in the UK in 2005.
really.
i plan to be in europe more than once.

it is my destiny.
you should say destiny like this "desss-tiiiii-neeeeeyyyyy"
like Darth Vader was saying that shit, you know?

i am serious.
i'm listening to The Streets right now, and right now, with my smoking bowl next to me, cranked up super loud, the rain coming down above me atop the ceiling window i can't recall the name of, the Red Tail next to me. it all works monsignor.

and then a song called "dry your eyes" comes on and you realize that matt was right...the streets (i.e. the guy who is the streets) is too self-serious, too self-important, trying just a little bit too hard.

oh man.
Tina makes porn lighters. she sold three of them to the dude that fixed our shower yesterday.
see, our shower has sucked lately, because the hot water has been getting shittier and shittier, barely a dribble, and there was more than one day i felt like i was suffering mightily in my dribbly, pathetic shower, as i tried in vain to wash my hair with the sort-of there water, the rest of my body shivering in shitty coldness.
fuck it sucked.
finally we got it fixed. it's all better now.
still in time for the new year, you see.

man, 2005.
fuck.
crazy shit.
how did i get here?
where did i come from?
why am i here?
what the hell am i doing?

questions we all ask ourselves, i think.

what the fuck?
seriously.
what the fuck?

this world, this time, the people that currently dwell upon it....what is really happening right now?
momentous it seems, yes.
big times, we live in.
changing.
change.
change.
change.


everything is changing.
i'm ready for the change.

oh yeah.
fuck mother fucking yeah!

i made it this far.....

10 comments:

reece said...

Hey, I wanna porn lighter.

nachmann said...

>what the fuck?
>seriously.
>what the fuck?

What are you, in grad school? Get to work!

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