Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Shopping in 1999 A.D.


Produced in the 1960s, this gives a surprisingly accurate portrayal of shopping online today.
For more, check Snopes.com

I Trusted You



You'll definitely be singing this song all week.
Thanks to Laughing Squid for bringing the Andy hilarity.

I trusted you, i trusted you, i trusted you, i trusted you.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Bend Over, Barbie


This is just too funny: "Bend Barbie over so she can serve lemonade to Ken!"





or check out Malibu Barbie's new country camper, where the road never ends.

Whoops, I Dropped the Soap



See if you can spot who the woman in the shower is.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I Need A Home!



Today at Ritual Roasters, i met Even.

As in, "Even Steven."

Mnemonic devices are cool.
Not to be confused with Johnny Mnemonic, which is hella different.
Or so i'm told.

See, this girl Even, she's blond, kinda tall and cool. She works here.
I like her because a week or two ago, i was here and she was loudly complaining about the fact that there was no conversation to be heard between real actual humans here because everyone had their face stuck in a laptop.

On cue, a phone starts ringing and Even says "Christ, i can even hear someone's cellphone ringing. How lame is that?"

Thing is, Even, people do talk out loud at ye olde coffee shop. It's just ... there's free wi-fi here and it's fun to do things in a public environment while working on your shit.
Much to see and do.
Mucho.

Yes.

So Even was wearing this sign on her chest today:

"I need a home!"

i never knew Even's name before, as in Even Steven, but her sign worked on me. I know someone looking for a roommate but it's in oakland.
i told her about it. Even likes the city too much, she says. Agreed. I feel you Even.
Even wants to live like 2 minutes from work.
And since work is on Valencia near 22nd, well, living in oakland probably wouldn't work for Even.

But i DID get her name, so i feel like something was accomplished.
Even, as in Even Steven.
I like Even.


Well, damn, i was about to move to another location that was more near a plug because my computer is almost out of juice but there's this girl that just sat down behind me that i'm somewhat curious about.
apparently her name is 'sara' based on that was the name the counter peeps just called and she got her beverage.

but sara just left so now she is gone.

earlier on the way here i saw a man who should have been wearing a cape, even though he wasn't.
yet, he was sporting a very gnarly thick-ass braided tail.
for real.
it wasn't just a thin little tail. no sir.
i hated him. i am glad he moved on.

there's a pug-nosed 30something hipster standing outside right now dressed in all black who reminds me of the lead dude from LCD Soundsystem, James Murphey? I am blanking his name. but this guy, i'm not so sure about this guy. he's a jerkface. for no reason.

oh and god, there's the girl wearing the truly godawful heels.
with skintight jeans that don't fit her right.
she is walking funny.
that song by FannyPack comes to mind. You'll have to figure out what song i'm talking about.

my computer is dying now.

i buried Paul.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Shattlecone Tuesday



the time: now

the place: ritual coffee roasters, once again.

the thing i'm looking at: a girl directly across from me sitting in the couch starting intently at the woman to my immediate right who just finished breastfeeding her baby. the breastfeeding woman is now talking to her sprightly friend, who just now looked upward while thinking of the next question to ask her friend.
i'm not listening to the conversation of the breastfeeding woman with her friend. i'm wearing headphones though unfortunately they're not the noise-canceling type.
i was more intrigued by the straight-up intent staring the woman across from me was doing. she's wearing a big diamond ring on her left ring finger, i.e. she's married.
her laptop stickers say "Skydive: FreefallAdventures.com."
i've now changed my observation.
the married skydiving staring girl with glasses and dark hair pulled back seems to be looking back up at the breastfeeding girl so much now that i'm of the mind she wants a baby. she was studying every move of the breastfeeding woman's redressing repertoire.
she is staring again.
the breastfeeding woman is now chatting up another woman nearby.
and our staring friend does a lot of occasional glances.

ooh, she just said 'fuck' to herself and typed something furiously.

she just looked to see if her focus of intent was still around but the pregnant woman has exited.


there's been this girl that's gone in and out of the bathroom 3 times in the last half hour.

they're playing led zeppelin II right now. i love that song "Ramble On." "Bring It On Home" just finished, appropriately the last song on the album.

my friend emily has been cracking me up on the IM.
god if only i could tell what she said.
she cracks my shit up.

not literally.
but figuratively.
well, actually she was cracking me up.
and she said inappropriate things
which i enjoy.

oooooh, nice, now they're playing The Knife! "Silent Shout"!

the girl next to me just asked if there was anyone sitting here.
i said no, despite the detritus all around us.


some loud girl just laughed really loud.
the people next to me are talking about having done the master cleanse.
and it's the one that everyone is doing.

i interviewed a girl a few months ago who was wanting to potentially be my flatmate who was going through the same thing.
this same girl brought me a six pack of beer as bribery, though it turned out that she found another place to live anyway.
i liked her.

but i like emma better. because emma ended up being the one.

i like that the girl across from me is laughing just as much as i have been when people send me funny shit even though i have headphones on and nobody else knows what i'm laughing at.

our feet keep hitting each other's every now and then.

actually, earlier i pulled a total stupid tim moment when i mentioned to her, after she had asked me if i could watch her laptop for a minute and then i promptly asked the same of her about 5 minutes later, i thought it was relevant to then tell her about that i had heard stories that people had had their laptops stolen right from under their noses at some places downtown and how messed up that was.
she stares at me and goes 'that just makes me more paranoid.'

then, the next time she gets up to use the bathroom, she takes her laptop with her in the bathroom.

yet, she didn't give me the crook-eye or the stink-eye when we knocked feet not long after that.
plus she is using a Mac.

she can't be all bad.

Devil of Rotations is a kick-ass song.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Orange | 35 | 51 | 42 | 24 | 60/10

where: ritual roasters
when: now

what: me drinking delicious coffee not working

hearing: music has the right to children

looking at: the hot lesbian girl to my near right that i so wish liked boys. damn. and damn. i ogled her for good month or two before seeing her with her cute butch girlpal. but then i was crestfallen.

now hearing: olson

wearing: fuck bush tee, from the alley, chicago

just came from: the ocean

sort of eating: poppy seed bagel

current state: hazy and soon-to-be more wired

also attempting: to eavesdrop on hot lesbian girl i'm still way hot for and her cute mission chick friend who i don't think is a lesbian but she may have had at least an encounter or two with a girl, possibly in a 3-way.

angry i'm thinking about: oprah, though this guy near me just said her name. i hate him now. or did for a few seconds there.

hearing: this guy to my left behind me just whispered "stupid, stupid" in a very self-dismissing way to himself.

wondering about: this very small blond girl with very straight hair and expensive eyewear

hearing part II: the self-dismissing guy saying "stupid" yet again. he's mad at him.

now playing: one very important thought

now playing, about 13 minutes after the thing i wrote just above this line: CSS

annoyed about: the fact that this kick-ass electro-rock band from brasilia just played at the mezzanine in San Francisco Saturday night and i fucking missed it.

on the other hand: i was in Chicago Saturday night and had an amazing fucking night, so i'm not all that pissed actually.

person who just walked in: the owner of Ritual Roasters, i think her name is Eileen but that is based purely on eavesdropping one time when i was in here before, so i could be wrong. she's carrying a Whole Foods bag.

unsure about: if i'm going to finish eating my bagel, which is now cold and i'm realizing that i don't eat an entire bagel as much as i used to.

kinda happy about: being told by my friend, brian dillard, in chicago that i looked "skinny," which is funny cuz i was recently thinking i was a bit bloated of late. maybe it's all the beer.

carefully considering: how i'm going to incorporate the word 'crestfallen' in conversation sometime today.

wondering: how the sopranos ends. but i won't let myself watch the episode before finishing watching the episodes before it.

generating: concrete pipes made of high fructose corn syrup

contemplating: why i just wrote that nonsensical sentence above.

remembering: that i have sand in my fucking shoes from walking on ocean beach a couple hours ago for no good reason other than realizing i was near the ocean and sometimes you simply must go to the ocean and stare for a bit.

plotting: my escape from self-doubt

scheming: how i'm going to go to europe while already knowing i'm fucking going.

realizing: that "scheming" probably wasn't the most appropriate word to use as the theme of the previous sentence.

understanding: that i'm seriously overthinking right now.


and that's your bucket of worms for the day.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Cooked Spinach Is For Losers

actually, i enjoy fossils

.....

i am listening to kraftwerk.
i am about to go see ADULT.
i am into punctuation.

....
ulrich - the new cd, goodbye, i think the actual released version of the cd will sound better. like...it seems not mastered/engineered in a finished state.

speaking of.... the cd of lcd soundsystem is clearly MUCH higher sound quality.
makes me realize (begrudgingly) that AIFFs are still the only REAL way to go.

and NOW i'm just typing TOO MANY words in all CAPS.

.....

i watched sopranos last night.
fuck, i thought it was just great.

best line, uttered by tony (of course) - "'remember when' talk is the lowest form of conversation."

i was taken aback. in a positive manner.
i.e. i am quite pissed -- and supremely jealous -- i have never written and/or uttered those words, the remember when thing, in that exact way.

fuck!

so so good.

sure, the show was a bit sappy on the paulie tip (kill that somewhat traitorous motherfucker already....hmmm...that'd be an ultimate twist, if paulie ends up killing tony but i dunno...?) but i really dug it.
good to see tony still up to his old ways, fucking that hot miami chick (they portrayed miami quite well) and being the gangster bastard that we all know and love/like.

i also realize how much better HBO is than every single channel.

no. 2 for me in tv watching time is comedy central.

then local channels.
history channel.
pbs.

and i can't forget CBN, the christian broadcast network.
oh, yeah. oh, oh, oh.

.....

i really wish i could just order those channels only.

fucking america.

.....

i'm way excited and in a uber positive/confident mood and will be for the weekend.
new job gig.
me rocking.
the kitty's emasculating commentary.
a sustained passion for clinique.
and don ameche, who was brilliant in Cocoon 2.

.....

('crazy on you' by heart is playing now - yay for timpratt shuffle)

.....

i begrudgingly (yes, 2nd time i've used that word, much to my chagrin, even though i could actually be lying ... .... oooooh, self-awareness, me and james murphy from LCD talked about that, i gave have him shit about that in his lyrics - i know, i crack up thinking about it) admit that 'white satin' will now forever be associated with xmess '06 with mikey in sf.

and george.
and the OED.

and us being labeled 'fags' for similarly innocuous bodily adornments.
(that was a great fucking sentence ....and i'm getting sick of Heart now)
.....

concubines at the discotheque hate your rancid cankersore detritus.

.....

it's more fun to compute.

....

i think i am realizing i'm using mikey as a soundboard for what i'm going to post on paperspray later, when people have stopped using supplements. for passion.

....

i program my own computer.

....

and mikey knows i will censor parts.
for futureTimPratt's benefit, of course.
i have some respect, buttermilk butterfinger hater.

....

i should go see ADULT. now.

....

this greenery is spectacularly above par. for chancre admirers in heat in the state department.

except for carol mcgregory.

and it goes without saying that we don't need to utter anymore when speaking of a woman such as she.

unless bathing with panthers.

and that's rarely confident.

because of that specific time before the additional calculated sectional behavioral admissions excepting release of pertinent panchos, despite the vitamin c interactions.

.....

i like those five periods above me right now.

and below.

.....

or is that a persevering totalitarian?

one can only guess based on significant battle cruisers.

.....

you like me, you really like me.

i just realized that i was still writing this email for mikey and not for paperspray.


.....

i should fucking go.

i mean. fuck.

......


jesus is my saviour.
without mammon.


sexually,


christopher hitchens

Monday, April 09, 2007

Time Escapes No Living Creature

Our kitty Frankie is pretty much on his last legs.

ok, not even pretty much.

i just got the update from the vet.
no good news.
his kidneys are worsening.

of course, i knew this.
i've lived with him for 11 years.
you have a sense of things such as this.
as much as you don't want to believe it, you know when things are true.

his time is near.

i could see it in his eyes.
he's tired.
he's in pain.
he wants to be here.
but he also knows "here" is fading.
and i know.
tina and i both know.

he's tried his best to maintain.
it was obvious he was trying.
we're all living things sharing this world.
when you become close to another living thing, you can sense when they're not alright.
and he's not.

unfortunately, i've experienced this before.
my previous flatmate, her kitty, lucy, was declining when we moved in together.
and the last few weeks of lucy's life, it was quite obvious when it was her time to go.
curiously, both Frank and The Kitty didn't mess with her, especially toward the end.
oh sure, initially they hissed at her but nothing beyond that.
for the most part, my cats kept their distance and let Lucy do her thing.

i firmly believe they knew her time was short.
And so they gave her space.
normally, they wouldn't have done that. they would have been curious, got up into her space and fucked with her.

living beings know.

and hence....why i think i've come to this same realization in the past week.

.....

we've decided that no matter what the vet says (unless a miracle happens and he rebounds...but ya know...doubtful that), we're going to spend at least 1-2 more nites with him.
i mean....if he's not conscious, obviously we wouldn't do that.
but we want to say goodbye.

i know death is inevitable, that none of us can escape it, but that doesn't take away the pain.

really hurts.

i guess i always thought i'd have more time with frankie.

but it shows yet again we don't know shit.

us lowly humans.

we think we know what the fuck is up.

but we really don't.

sure, we've come a long way.
props to us.

ya-fucking-hoo.

but we still don't know shit.

kick ass and hip hip hooray for being consciously aware.

but what of it.

what of it all.

Frank

My friend Frank is going through some tough times right now.
A few months ago he was diagnosed with Polycystic Kidney Disease, which basically means he has cysts on his kidneys. He was born with them but it's not something one can necessarily be aware of unless they've had an ultrasound.
We have been giving him fluids with a needle every 2-3 days, as well as stomach medication and antiobiotics.
It seemed like he was bouncing back, but then, in the last week, he's begun to rapidly deteriorate again.
He's not eating, he's lethargic and antisocial, skinnier than ever, just not healthy.
I know he's in some degree of pain.


Frank has always been a bit more fragile than The Kitty, who's a year older and lot larger in the belly area.
In fact, it was The Kitty who woke me up at 4 a.m. when Frank was going into convulsions last year, having had a toxic reaction to what turned out to be potentially poisonous flea medication (made by Hartz - don't buy ANYTHING from Hartz for your pet).
Frank's always been kinda goofy, in a loveable, affectionate sort of way. He's very curious and not really afraid of much of anything, even dogs.
Frank is a lover, pure and simple.
Playful, rambunctious, kooky, and has one of the loudest purrboxes i've ever heard on a cat.
.....
Today, we took him back to the Vet. They're going to run further tests on him.
It seems Frank also has a heart murmur, something we didn't know before today.
One of his kidneys is definitely enlarged again.


















We are hoping for the best. But also realize the seriousness of his condition.

It just so sucks because there's only so much one can do.

I've been trying to stay close to home this weekend and just be near him, watch him and make sure he's doing ok, as ok as he can be right now.

This really hurts.
It's hard.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Basically Posting For The Extra Snacks


i haven't posted in awhile.

i can say that i have been busy.

but that's not really the reason.

i could have posted.

i could have taken the time to sit down, chew the fat with you, the screen in front of me that my brain imagines is someone doing a very similar thing late at night when you should be doing something you're supposed to be doing but instead, you've chosen to blow that shit off right now because this has the potential to hold your interest for at least another paragraph or so.

and then you'll go back to your friends, your pope, your elementals, your priceless antiques you bought online from that creepy guy with one eye that didn't go in synch with the other eye so you kinda felt sorry for him a bit even though you talked to him, you strived to talk to him in the most direct way possible, pretending to completely ignore that one off-eye that you can't help thinking of but also feel kind of shitty for noticing and so you just roll forward, because you're a civilized human being with some form of respect motherfucker.

run-on sentences can be just as exhausting for the writer, let me tell you.
but i'm no William Faulkner.
despite my height.

i don't know.

i guess i am changing.

i guess i am going through some sort of weird thing in which i attempt to figure some shit out about me while at the same time coming to grips with the fact that the more you age, the more you realize you're never really going to figure out all the shit you want to figure out and so you start getting comfortable with that and try to do something that will rock your world.

i am lucky.
i have great...nay...i have amazing fucking people in my life.

they are the reason i exist.

actually, one of the best fucking compliments I've ever received in my miniscule speck of time on this planet came not once but twice within the last three months.

i was told, by two very different people, as well as two different sexes (sorry hermaphrodites, i didn't include you in this anecdote, even though i just now did....so this sentence was worthless, yet somehow credible), the following phrase:

"I'm glad you're here."

not here, as in...the place i happened to be at that time when i was told.

here here.
alive now, in their presence, in the present, in their circle of friends, tossing out my energy willy nilly (and god knows, i never do that, except while awake and on those days when i get that not-so-fresh feeling).

"I'm glad you're here."

that fucking rocks.

rocks!

that is the kind of shit i live for.

really.

when you get right down to the real nitty gritty. and i never do that.

my whole life (i'm sorting of moving on to the next phase now of this heretofore scintillating essay, in case you needed to get a drink, grab a smoke, take a wanking break, create a collage, feel your crack, touch your nose, pull on your nipple ring, or lament about the fact that you still have a prince albert and you're really over it but can't seem to figure out how to take it out), i've been the type that has been excitable, inspiring, motivating, informing, conjuring, engaging, freaking and more (i'm sick of thinking of "-ing" words).

yet...
i don't do enough for me.
i'm a giver.
i know it.
i like it.
it is i.

but....i want to actually accomplish something.
oh sure...i've experienced and done so much in my 98 years on this planet, give or take a few parsecs.

i have been very blessed.

there will be more of this but now i must distract myself with other seemingly inane activities.

come back when you're prepared.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

mmm skyscraper i love you



"Rave is Back!" my friend Sig declared last night.

mmm, maybe.

everybody's a beautiful thing.

something's back.

whatever back means.

listening to underworld's 'mmm skyscraper i love you' right now.

i seeeee elvis.
and i hear god on the phone.

i guess i'm thinking about the old becoming new again, the new becoming old, the old being remorphed into new, and all the rest that goes with it.

evolution.

re-evolution.

regression.

intuition.

or lack thereof.

maybe rave isn't necessarily back, per se, it can't be the same as it was.
but then, same as it ever was.

it's the feeling.
how it feels.
how to feel.

it's all jumbled and mixed and messed and fucked and

30,000 feet above you.

you're a beautiful thing.

....

so what does it all mean?

things, stuff and more things.
and more stuff.

steve turned 60 this week.
i got my hair cut. i feel like me again.
i'm worn out from work.
my sister's in prison.
my cat was recently diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease.

i guess i've been in a funk.

new roommate is new.
she rocks. and it's motivating.
so there's that.

i've had some amazing times with my friends of late.
i've recently met some great people.
so there's that.

things, things and more stuff.
and more things.

maybe march will bring things on the up and up.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Bring It On

Here's a big FUCK YOU to the universe for dealing me just blow after fucking blow in the last couple weeks.

Bring it on, what else you got?

It's amazing how up and down life can be.

Can't stay up forever, apparently.

That shit has to even out.

Well, back to work. I'll be lucky to leave before midnight.

Fuck You