Monday, July 17, 2006

Feeding the Meter

here i am, awake late at night when i should be asleep.
but i'm not asleep.
lately, i've been having way irregular sleep patterns.
super tired. super awake. drowsy but unable to actually hit the REM scene.

i'm not sure why.
maybe i know why.
i don't know.
or i do know.
it's all complex, complicated, multifaceted, multi-everything.

times are indeed new and different now.
new people. new faces. new interests. old interests rekindled.
old interests brushed aside.
new outlook. old outlook. evolved outlook.

everything is there and here and wherever and nowherever.
talking in abstracts is fun.

what am i talking about?
good question.

i can't get comfortable.
i was sitting up just now.
that was then, this is now (and also the title of a judy blume novel, which i read long ago, before the porpoises came).

now i'm sitting on my belly.
i like to sit this way.
i tend to sleep more on my belly than my back.

i holler in my head right now, even though it's dead quiet (i could holla too but that would be different).
the only sound being the low airy hum of my laptop and my two kitty friends hanging out near me.
but still, i yell. i scream. i shout.
in my mind.
even in my mind, i am a loud human being.
a roommate of mine told me i was a loud human being once.
i couldn't argue.

everything is a jumbled mess.
everything is perfect.
everything is occurring exactly the way it was supposed to.
everything makes sense.

a total cliche, what i'm about to say, but i can't help it:
my life is a movie, i'm just following the continuously unlikely script.

but i also know that isn't completely true.
not true?

yes, reality has a way of showing up now.
that voice in my head that says, "you still choose your own destiny, you make conscious decisions, you can't just chalk up the negative shit as a 'oh well, it was what was supposed to happen.'"

someone recently told me that she doesn't believe in excuses.
that someone is wise.
remembering that is important.

nothing is clear-cut.
there isn't an exacto knife for life.
maybe there should be.
it would have to be sizeable, and precise.
then you could cut out parts you want and parts you don't.

i'm in a good place.
my life isn't at all bad right now.
i've been much worse off, before.

yet, i can't

i have to analyze, ponder, discuss, study, extract, pontificate, elaborate, enunciate, fabricate, fornicate, radiate, collaborate, alleviate, and chortle.
chortling is an especially good thing to do.
hmmm, i almost lapsed into copping words from an INXS song right there.
Good thing i ended with a hearty chortle.

this internal dialogue i'm spewing just made me think of a conversation i had friday night a guy at a party i was at with Em.
we were both Libras, he and i.
of course, i can't remember his name.
he said he hadn't met that many libras, maybe five, he said, in the past few years.
i don't think to ask most people when their birthday is.
closer friends, yes, but even so...not really something to dwell on.

we two libras bonded while discussing the idea that we were both people pleasers.
we're more concerned about the welfare of the people around us than ourselves.
we both concurred that we like to take on the middleman role, the mediator, ensuring happiness and tranquility are the dominant forces around us as much as possible.

we don't like confrontation.
we're idealistic.
Sometimes compromising.
we like harmony.

it was both strange and comforting.


the song title 'let forever be' just popped into my head.

i should let forever be.

i already know the answer to all these thoughts i've posed.

it was said to me in a specific context.

"Just relax."

Yes, relax.


I love happy endings.

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