Ask The Honkey

Alright folks, it's another exciting round of "Ask The Honkey," where you, the extra-informed readers, get to ask the questions you've always wanted to ask white people but were afraid you'd get a severe beating from compassionate Republicans (like Tom DeLay or Rick Santorum) if you actually asked these questions.

Q: Dear Honkey,
What is the most racist city in the United States?
Wondering in Walla Walla

A: Well WIWW,
Before this past weekend, I would have said "Try anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line!" But thanks to the caring activities of the Cincinnati Police Department, I'd have to go with Cincinnati. I mean, sure the guy was breaking the law by sleeping in a White Castle and calling the cop a "whiteboy redneck" (i wouldn't advise calling anyone in uniform a redneck, even white people) but nobody deserves to get beaten to death. ok, maybe a few people deserve to get beaten. but i'm a peacenik really.


Dear Honkey,
Q: Am I the only person of color in the entire world that likes Paul Oakenfold?
Bunkka Badunkadunkdonk

A: Dear BB,
Yes.


Dear Honkey,
Q: Is it true that white women don't age as well African American women? Or am i just getting a shitload of premature wrinkles at 27?
Sobbing in Sandusky

Dear SIS,
A: Hello? Didn't you ever hear the saying "Black Don't Crack?" Apparently not, you fool. I mean, sure, genes and all that shit have something to do with it. But i've also noticed that white girls, ahem, i mean "party" girls, end up getting those crows feat creeping in at about 25 or so, more pronounced by 30. The laugh lines, the forehead wrinkles, the nose crinkle, all of it, starts loading up sooner than you think -- especially if you're lining up a bunch of rails every weekend, smoking a bunch of cigarettes, and drinking 5-30 beers each weekend night. i recommend getting a lot more sleep, doing less/more drugs, steal yourself a bunch of needles and start injecting botox into your skull, and wear a lot more wrap-around sunglasses as fashion statements.
Also, don't smile or laugh as much. Be extremely serious. You'll have a lot to be brooding about anyway because your face looks like real shit.... your anxieties are about to take root and multiply, grandma.
See SIS, you're not smiling now.


Dear Honkey,
Q: Do cats face racial discrimination like some humans do?
Pondering in Paducah

A: Of course they do. My cat Frank is often discriminated against because of the color of his fur and it's fucking bullshit. I mean, look at this cat, forcing him into the cramped, singular room just because of his fur color. Poor kitty, he should eat those people. I mean, come on, look at Roy Horn. He had it coming.


that's all the time we have today.
if you're interested in asking the honkey a question, be sure to email him at: timmmmmiiiii@yahoo.com

and ask for honkey.
he'll try to satisfy all your honkey needs.
sorry, most white people not eligible to submit until you pass rigorous safety standards mandated by the Patriot Act.
and remember, honkeys aren't all bad. you might like to own one of them someday. Just ask Karl Rove how happy he is to be owned.

your friend and patriot,
Captain Fat-Ass the Honkey
Offending white people for centuries