Sunday, June 06, 2004

Lumina, Ronald Reagan Die
Yes, it's true. My Lumina, the greatest car I've ever had (which isn't saying much, but still) is dead. Long live the Lumina.
It's truly a sad day. While the car isn't technically 'dead' as far as an official declaration, I sense that this is the end.
Looks like a blown head gasket. Which means, too much money to fix on a car that's eight years old and has nearly 179,000 miles on it. When i got the car in 1998 or so, it had a bit more than 60,000 miles on it, so it's taken me a long ways.
But it's time to say goodbye.
I weep for the Lumina.
I'm about to go tip my 40 to better days with the Lumina.
And uh, oh yeah, Ronald Reagan kicked it, at long last, yesterday. Dead.

It's official - I'm a Californian

In a startling display that has taken nearly everyone in the entire state by surprise, 4-year California transplant Tim Pratt has completed his assimilation to the West Coast and can now officially call himself a Californian.
Pratt, 34 (with a bullet), in random conversation Friday afternoon talking to coworkers at large online company where he is gainfully employed, uttered the word "hella" without irony to describe an experience he was particularly fond of. Within 30 seconds, Pratt stopped and made the mental observation before voicing it to others within earshot.
"I just said 'hella' while talking to you, and i wasn't making fun of it. I really said it in a casual manner, as if I've always used the word 'hella' to give emphasis to a specific verbal narrative or emotion-fueled opinion," Pratt said, hesitantly. "I usually use the word 'fuck' to give my awesome stories i regal people with that special extra something, that little oomph to bring it all home. And 'Fuck' is so versatile -- you can use it as an adjective, a noun, a verb, an adverb, a conjunction, fucking anything! -- to say what you want to say, that i doubt it's going to go away anytime soon.
"But i have to admit, 'hella' did kind of sneak up on me. I've been fucking assimilated. Fuck!"
Other coworkers, most of whom have only known Pratt a few months, expressed shock, dismay, disbelief and happiness regarding the utterance. Yet they believed it was a natural thing that happens to us all, once we move the West Side, "cuz you and I know it's the BEST side."
"Dude, it's like, radtacular that little Timmmi is kicking it with the 'Hella' scene," spake Saul Potel, fellow coworker, confidante and cubicle neighbor. "I always knew he had some California love in him. Now it's been proven. Fuckin' A, raddude, that's fucking rad!"
Others weren't so sure the unironic use of the word Hella mean Pratt was sliding into the Pacific Ocean, much like the rest of the godforsaken modern Soddom & Gomorrah that is California.
"Tim doesn't strike me as a person that would drop 'Hella' indiscriminately in conversation, unless he really means business about something," admits an ashen Pat Misscher. "On the other hand, Tim does often get overexcited about shit and tends to exagerrate and get all loud and stuff, like he's hot shit or something. So maybe he is just being a fucking baby and trying to fit in. Aww, isn't that cute, little Timmy? Hella this, bitch."
Pratt, in seclusion as this writing went to press due to his inability to control his reading habit, issued the following statement to refute potential negative charges about his conformity to Californiaspeak.
"Like, I know it's not so awesome that i used 'Hella' without irony, but shit, yo, i was hella tired from the night before where i was hella typing and writing stuff down for hella nice deadlines that i forgot about. So yeah, i said it, but i've moved on. Why is everybody still dwelling on this? I'm a former Michigander, OK?
"I'm proud to be a Californian, except for the gubernatorial part. And other stuff. And I don't really like Southern California, especially L.A., though i do dig on the desert. Shit, the inland areas kinda suck too, and there's some super weird places up north too. OK, I'm hella proud to be a Bay Area resident. How about that?"
No further comments relating to hella were issued.

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