how can it be that i'm obsessed with a song first sung on Lawrence Welk?
how can i purchase this much cool stuff in one day?
how will people resist me tomorrow at work?
how can i continue to procrastinate and expect to succeed and be wealthy?
how can i go to the laughing squid shows and expect to be ignored?
how can i eat at two different locations of cancun two days in a row?
how can i go to see Tino Corp and then be bummed because it wasn't all that good?
how did i guess that Jack turned 37 years old on Friday night?
how do i get back on track, yo?
i seek control.
you will listen.
helen pon wants to know

from another soul

this here is a recent correspondence from my good pal, mikey. i found it to be perfectly appropriate to the game we got going on here. notice the 'vanilla sky' reference.
love to your mother.
your least favorite Paleontologist

"I am a weird fella with weirder than average taste...except for ice cream...which really is not true because I love vanilla and I get some odd looks when I order it.

"Why would you want vanilla when there are all these other flavors?" the ice-cream daredevil usually asks.

"Because I like vanilla and I don't need to feel wild and outragous when ordering ice cream.
Dick."
I almost never reply.

These are the same people who drive like assholes in parking lots because they think its freedom.

...although a couple of months ago I was getting said ice cream and another fella was there ordering Vanilla. His gal-pal (or fuck-buddy) gave him lip for it.

I said "Don't give in. Vanilla is a great flavor."

He paused and said "Yeah. Give me vanilla." -- that is a true story of two white boys standing up for their love of Vanilla.

thank you mr. mike.
go back to your business.

these are a few of my favorite things

Yanking nosehairs out of my nose with tweezers or fingers, without actually picking said nose.

Non-smelly teeth and breath (which go hand in hand).

People that call on time.

Cellphones that actually work.

Jesus Action Figure (miracles sold separately).

People who despise Kool-Aid.

Friends of cheerleaders.

Ghosts.

Form-fitting trousers.

People who use the word "abhore" at least once a month.

Petroleum jelly.

My spinal cord.

Gunk between my toes.

Electro-Acoustic music (Tadd Mullinex, Four Tet)

To say "Don Ameche" several times in a row.

Wind tunnels.

Earwax.

Eyepatches.

Skin, especially the second layer.

Santa Bacon.

Juice.

more more more!!!! sooooooon.
eat vanilla icecake.
love and onions,
grassy knoll fuck

What would you do for a Klondike bar?

How does one become tired from doing boring office work all day?
I don't actually know or understand, but I, being that one, was indeed tired last evening from doing boring office work all day.

And what sort of boring office work might we be talking about?
Well, son, let me tell you something about life....filing various forms away isn't exactly stimulating. And that's what i did, filed filed filed...stuff. actually, a lot of accounts payable type stuff and expense forms. I was working at a company called Autonomy Inc., this software company that actually makes some pretty interesting stuff.

Basically, the Brit who started it is a billionaire so he must have found something people want. He uses a series of theories first developed by a mathemetician from the 1700s or 1800s (i can't recall) by the name of Bayes. Anyway, much of the company is based on this software that uses probabilities in locating data....or better yet, here's a short bit from their website (www.autonomy.com):

'Autonomy's strength lies in a unique combination of technologies that employs advanced pattern-matching techniques utilizing Bayesian Inference and Claude Shannon's principles of information theory. By automatically forming an understanding of the concepts within the content of a piece of text or voice or by analysing an image or piece of video, Autonomy's software is able to perform a limitless combination of content-to-content, content-to-people or people-to-people interactions and tasks. And because this unique approach to information is a mathematical pattern matching process'....blah blah blah. you get the idea

It's actually pretty cool, the ideas and structure. I know they have a ton of clients, including many colleges and big businesses like GM. I saw tons of A/P slips for more than $200K each..serious money. They definitely had cash, as this office was located on Howard St. near Beale, not far from the Bay. You could see the top of the Bay Bridge from their office, and could pretty much get a gorgeous view of the bay no matter where you stood.

And there i was, working a temp job at the place making an hourly wage.

I didn't find the employees to be particularly friendly. However, I was working with the Financial department, so my personal interests and fun-loving attitude definitely wouldn't be totally fly with these folk anyway.

currently, i'm waiting to hear back from Medusa, an LA rapper with whom i have a scheduled interview with at 10 a.m. being that it's 10:35, something is definitely amiss. i've already talked with her manager, so it looks as though she will call me back. damn. i hope so. i need to do this story today if possible.

I'm not much into going out this weekend. I think i'm a bit wiped out from the last two weeks in michigan, not to mention my insane 3-day stretch of no sleep early this week for new years. not sleeping is not good.
i could have lasted much longer if i could have slept even a little bit. but alas, it was not meant to be.

oh gee. lessee, what else happened yesterday? after my long hard day at work (it seriously took a toll on me...from the non-speaking, boring point of view), i hung at tina's work for a bit to finish up some shit and then hauled my ass down to Pakwan in the Mission for some delicious dinner. I'm a sucker for that place. they have such damn good food. i got me usual: chicken boti, rice, naan (excellent bread), and Mango Lassi (essentially a thick mango milkshake to soothe the hotness of the onion-laden chicken).
the place was packed but being by myself and all, i had the advantage of sitting almost anywhere.

yay for me.

then i just hopped back on the BART and cruised home, getting here by around 10 pm.
though i had big ambitions for last night to do some reading and listen to some tunes, instead i found myself out cold before midnight. in fact, i may have fallen asleep before 11:30 p.m. since i don't remember making it to the end of the newscast.
yessir, i've been tired lately too.
strange isn't it?

i've got other problems right now. i can't find my missing MSU hooded sweatshirt or my super nice olive green shirt that i was going to wear monday to my first day on my new temp job at some advertising agency. i wonder if i either left it at dave pratt's house, tina's place, or my parents' house.. fuckin a, now i have to figure it out.

Second, all the business cards i gave out have the wrong zip code on them, which blows, dammit! now i have to tell everyone.

third...my computer keeps fucking up. at the moment, I can't open iTunes or Microsoft Word (i keep getting an error of type 11 showing up) and the computer has been acting funny for awhile. i think i need to do some clean-up on my computer, which i plan to do if this interview ever happens. i have no idea what is going on. luckily i have simpletext on my computer, so i'm able to still use some sort of word processing program to save my notes whenever medusa and i ever hook up. i've got conflict catcher and various software to ensure that things are working smoothly. i needs to do dat, yo. my computer won't shut down properly either. there is definitely something fucked up on this tip. damn.

on the cool tip...my interview with India.Arie for the San Jose Mercury News turned out to be more prescient than i would have guessed. she was nominated for a bunch of grammy awards when the announcements were made yesterday.

well, there's fires in australia to be concerned with and the woman's voice on my voicemail has changed, causing me intense grief and sadness. Yet, after seeing a smile on the guy who mans the counter at pakwan, all hope is not lost.

as they say in elementary school, Longer Letter Later (except you only use one "L," impossible here).

eat televised sporting events' snack food

your blanket of doom,

Erackino Eracknid

Crass banter

that senile old woman across the street rang our incredibly annoying doorbell this morning extra long just to tell me to move my car from the other side of the road because it was Wednesday and i would get a ticket.

problem was, i didn't have to move my car because today is THURSDAY (even though she insisted it wasn't, twice). And secondly, it wasn't my car she was pointing at. Yes, this woman (supposedly a former bit player actress) is completely gone. she has two mercedes benz's that she parks in the street, never in her driveway, which, oddly enough, is her entire yard considering she has no grass whatsoever.

Yes, that's right. Her entire yard is concrete.
lovely woman. just lovely.
i must do work unfortunately.
because tomorrow i have a job at a place called Autonomy.
yay, i have a job for one day. lucky I.
of course, i start another job on monday. at an advertising agency. should be interesting.
but then again, i also need to survive.
so survive is what i shall do. sir.

good day citizens. modern times commences for the time being.

embrace pigs. they deserve it.
And don't forget to remember Santa Bacon in your dreams. I'll tell you all about Santa Bacon, young children.
just as soon as i go wash my foot.

eat every inch of that pig. even that cute little curly-q tail. it's all meat meat meat.

your Spanish pastor,

Bobby B. Bonero

Sex with her could have been better, until the monkey got involved...

Ok, hold it down back there!
Alright now, break it up. Settle down, now, just...settle down.
Let's all get into our seats and be quiet!
Come on, people! I don't have all day here.

Jimmy, put down that cigarette!
And Taooma, you know you're not supposed to be showing that to the boys. Now, get to your seat. And be quick about it.
Jejo, is that something you'd like to share with the rest of the class? i didn't think so.
My god, it's as if you people are mammals! Sheesh.
I am disgusted. But as God says, Thou Shalt be Saved or face the fiery depths of hades.
So fortunately, you kids are all safe.

Good. now let's open our books to page 54 and look down and fold your hands.....

Fortunately, I have no spine. Making it difficult to sit.

Before there were birds, there weren't birds.

Fast Times is always better than Slow Times. Unless of course you're enjoying Good Times.

My elephant sometimes likes to whisper things to my dad.

Enjoy your elbows while you can, for tomorrow you may stumble and force exposure upon yourself.

In case your thickening milkshake decides to splinter, wear an extra pair of galoshes today.

Basic arithmetic solves virtually every bumblebee sting that i know of in this county.

Sometimes I want to throw my butter against the wall really hard. In the store. In front of people. Clothed.

Rabbits want to beat me up. You love America.

Plaster caster faster master haster stat.

I enjoy rhythmic exercises with sound.

Nobody should be allowed to have bongos in a club. Ever. They're never good. Nobody enjoys listening to that dolt stomp on his bongos. Why, just last evening, i was forced to hear offbeat after offbeat, and thankfully I wasn't listening to Little Feat. But that's another grammar lesson.....

Fuck bongo players. In case you didn't understand what i was saying previously. If you bring bongos to a club, just know that many people there want to destroy you. And probably would if i encite a lynch mob, which I've been known to do from time to time in certain parts of this great country of ours. This land, that's made for you and me. And spaghetti growers too.

I need to play this CD now. You look at your screen and then push appropriate buttons until i return with more Zestfully clean ideas about what i think about Japan, stomach gelatins, public urination, snow squalls, and feminine itching.

until then, keep looking to the stars and reaching for the hambone.

eat yak. plenty of yak. raw.

your suckling bat,

Emerson T. Collosalman

Injury guaranteed unless approved before purchase.
or how i became a mint chocolate chip advocate while serving in the US Coast Guard as an adolescent

bloke says one thing to me and means another.

john farnum, a local bloke of about 19 or so, decided to fuck with me one too many times.
but he said it in a nice way.
unfortunately, i didn't believe his genuine tone. so i pushed him.
hard.
down two flights of stairs. he wasn't looking good.
but i couldn't help myself.
he was a liar.
and we all know that liars never prosper or win cheerios.
butterfly, for your health and kidsnacks.

did you ever stop and look at the small of your back? you should. it's important.
bankers never take you seriously.
blankfaced cashiers are an important part of my struggle with sanity.
toads make good looking paper clips.
fascinating nipple, sebastian.
good luck, pilgrim. i hope you find your pyramid chocolate bar someday. godspeed.
tantric cocoa isn't as good as malted milk paste with soda cream pie and crank.
you are an important part of your daily vitamin and mineral dosage.
please postman, wait a minute mr. postman.
wait mr. postman.
mr. postman look at me. oh yeah.
in a letter, a letter to me.
mr. powhoawhoawhoaostman.

thank goodness for law-abiding citizens or we'd all be shoveling shit in the greenhouse back at ernie's place.
did you ever stop and think that i might have personal feelings that differ from your blockage?
my condition requires me to stop thinking at this point and go look at myself in the mirror to find the answers the droids were looking for.

eat satisfactory geese droppings in case of head injury or algebra sprain.

your fatback beat,

Sam Sham and the Pharoah
plus stoney clark and meatball beam

Your tangent in time

oh cracker, monsignor
why did thou forsake me?
did you not look at me funny when i ran out slowly clutching the cheese?
did you wont of mine enemies before you hath sought revenge on their fathers?
don't you know why you are not looking at me funny?
because you are something uncontrollable, something not right.

so sayeth the shepherd, so sayeth the flock.
look at yourself before entering that kingdom
play games before supper.

twas a loony evening on the townie town town. splendid in some ways. not so splendid in others.
but what can you do, pray tell? what can you do?
so late, so late, so cometh over the mountain.
play that time before bed.

it is difficult to explain the circumstance from whence i come forth.
but let it be known, i am not who i seem to be.
you are not who you want to be.
and i, oh i, knoweth more than you could possibly understand.
play that funky music caukazoid.

eat important documents containing several shades of pudding

your pear shaped box,

Kurdt Noveselic