THE SAGA BEGINS...
good golly folks, i feel just so gosh darn awful about leaving you, my poor readers behind. my lord, i'm so overwhelmed, glory be.
appropriately enough, it's 4:20 as i begin writing this. i've been in Michigan exactly one day and oh my, so much to say, so much to saaay.
whooo, dogee.
but first, i figure it be best to kick things off with the some of the stuff i wrote on da plane, da plane, yesterday,, and begin from there. coo?
yepp yep.
oh joy, we gonna have some tales to tell!

3:47 pm, Phoenix, Tuesday, December 18
On the plane at the moment, I'm being treated to the lovely sounds of Placido Domingo, Tony Bennett, Charlotte Church and Vanessa Williams. Oh joy of joys. They're singing Christmas music. What the hell? or should i say, what the heaven? better yet, why?
...anyway....

this morning, i didn't even leave the damn house till 9 frickin 40! and i was supposed to be on the 9:10 am train, meaning i would have had to leave at like 8:50...see i had to walk to the damn BART six long blocks away with ALL my luggage. yeah, so i got a lotta shit. fuck it. it sucked. make no mistake. so i rode the damn thing all the way down to balboa park, where i had never been. neato...as i hobbled along with my luggage (consisting of me long duffle bag on wheels, small pliable suitcase, laptop computer, and backpack).. people were giving me the crookeye.
finally, i made it to Colma, where most of San Francisco's dead are buried (i bet you didn't know that!). yep.
hopped on a bus and made it to SFO. yay for me!
no problemo getting me ticket, however..the long line for security was horrifying. the gentlemen behind me talked of gardening and hoeing. yay. they also talked about the tiny woman outfitted in fatigues who walked past us carrying what they claimed to be an m-16. like i can distinguish. pshaw.
and Hee Haw as well.
but never grandpa on hee haw. i wanted to fight him.

thank god i flew on a less busy day. going this weekend will be terrible!!
as usual, i made it through with flying colors.
and frankly, why shouldn't i? after all i'm a responsible and forthright citizen.
why, i'd made a citizen's arrest if i had to! yes ma'am. Yay for that.
though some might just opt for some crotch action and bypass the security guards copping a feel to make sure you're not a terrorist to ensure happiness and longevity.

after spending way too much money on a beverage and other nonessential food items at the airport, we took off with east and on time. i was like, whoa, and shit like joey lawrence, who's dead.
ok not six feet under, but he should be!

There was the girl next to me before who looked just like a girl I knew from MSU that I liked for about a minute back in the day. She's on the Detroit flight too, which is weird. I should have asked her but too late.

Then of course there was the brief discussion among our little circle of passengers (us aisle people were so cool) about the time here in Arizona. I had to pipe in and let them know that Arizona doesn't have daylight savings time, therefore it would make it an hour difference from California for the half of the year.
Of course, the girl in front of me insisted that, because her phone said it was 2:30 California time. Idiot. This, despite the fact that the captain (who is like a god and really does know all) had already announced that the flight was going to take an hour and half (we left at noon) and that it was 2:30 phoenix time. pigs.

My nemesis was one of those peeps who insists that they are always right, so I didn't bother to say a word or anything. No sense in riling up peeps. i especially loved it when she leans over to her cohort within my earshot to let her know that she's right because of what her cellphone says.

So in my brief time here in Phoenix, I was able to catch a glimpse of the city from a distance, as I walked from one terminal to another. looked sorta cool from an interesting point of view.

Turds are everywhere here in Phoenix. me mate Mr. Rolls told me to take a hard look at the peeps walking around and get a glimpse of what the scene is all about. He was right.
turdville indeed.
It's like a slightly more multi-cultural Midwest (more Latinos, especially)..now I'm being treated to that one snatch, the blond who married the country singer Trace Adkins.
Faith Hill, I believe. Oh god. Nasty.
Did I mention they're showing this on video too? Jesus. Enough with the "Christmas is here" crap...---oh, My god, it just got wayyyy worse. She just started yelping and yelling. Ouch.

There's a lot of younger peeps on this here plane. Strange. Yep. all heading to detroit Now there's this really loud moaning sound coming from below my feet. maybe it's grinding the gears of the plane together. the girl next to me just mentioned that it was one of the worst sounds she'd ever heard. interesting. and don't get any ideas about that comment tough guy.

Oh my, now it's Luciano Pavoretti singing "White Christmas." Very interesting. It's the Christmas marathon apparently on ol America West TV.

Anyway, back to what I was saying... Phoenix is messed up. I wish I had a bit more time here to survey the scene. But I do not. What to do.

So fucked up...now I gotta work on, get this....like six stories and related nonsense. craziness, that is for sure monsignor.

I'm feeling like I'm getting sick or some shit too. Damn. What the hell.
Ok, gotta discontinue the use of electronic devices.
So here I go yo.
Fat fat fat.
Suck suck suck... 4:02...we are supposed to be leaving now. Dammit!! Sex sex sex.


4:46 pm MT time, whatever that means considering I'm in the air and going to change time zones. Yes yes.
I just remembered that I wanted a flask for Christmas. Ma'am.

I have my earplugs in while listening to my CD that I made for Mikey. Something do with Porpoise Spit, which was a fictional city (I'm assuming it was fictional) in Australia, from that film "Muriel's Wedding."

Ohhh yeah, grooving out at 30,000 feet with Layo & Buschwacka kicking it very live.

What have I gotten myself into? Now I have a shitload to do. And how am I going to do it all? I forgot I also have to write up my story ideas for an unnamed publication, which I can do on the plane here. Luckily, I demanded the aisle seat, which usually means that you're slightly less likely to get turd sitting next to you in the middle. However, on my return flight home, from Detroit to Phoenix, I have to sit in the middle. Which sucks royal ass. Damn damn damn. Hopefully, I'll be able to overcome. Because I can overcome.

OK, I cannot even believe I'm saying this but I'm starting to feel sick. Fucking A. The worse part of it is that I just said last night "I haven't been sick all year!" Yeah, yeah, I'm a chump. What can I say? I've been feeling hot all day, with a nagging headache and achy body all over.

Something just happened upon which I must comment (and we all know how much I like to comment about things!). This youngish girl next to me, who is from Ann Arbor and now lives in Carlsbad, which is near San Diego apparently (she told me, ok?) just sneezed and I didn't say God Bless You.

Here's the thing: I have a problem saying "God Bless You" for people when they sneeze. Sometimes there's this weird uncomfortable silence when I'm around people that sneeze and I don't say anything in return. But I don't care. It's the principle of the whole thing. Why indulge in some old school practice that's rooted in folklore? It makes absolutely no sense.

And people often say "thank you" afterward, as if the sneeze - if unrequited - will allow the evil spirits to take hold on our unsuspecting victim. Fuck that, I just don't buy it.

Plus there's the whole God issue. At this point in my life, I can't say whether or not a "God" actually exists, though I acknowledge some sort of higher power beyond what the paltry human mind can comprehend. If that's God, Satan or, the most likely, some other form of knowledgeable being, I seriously doubt they're going to be concerned about whether or not the sneeze will allow evil spirits in.

Adhering to the God Bless You mantra is comparable to subscribing to medical standards of the 19th century, and we all know how smart we were then. Bloodletting with leaches and flaying anyone? (Ok, maybe those weren't standard medical practices in the 19th century precisely, but you get my point, right?).
Yes, I do have a problem with God Bless You. Yes, I understand it's not something to get that worked up about. But hey, we've all got some shit to deal with in our own fucked up heads no don't we?

Fuck, I'm really starting to feel like shit. And it sucks. Dammit all to hell. More achy. Maybe I was getting a cold or something, after all. Hard to say.

Quite a week I just had. Damn. Hence, the reasoning for the lack of PaperSpray. Ya see folks, I have been mighty busy doing my duty as a responsible cultured citizen of the Bay Area. What did I do, pray tell? Well, sit right back and let me tell you what's up. How appropriate that, right now, I'm listening to the silky smooth sounds of Derrick May's Rhythim is Rhythim (purposely misspelled). On my way to Detroit Rock City.

I interrupt this thought process to digress: The movie being shown on the plane right now is none other than "Home Alone." Well, since everybody's seen this fine film, I'll spare the details on plot synopsis and such. But as you may or may not recall, Little McCauley Culkin (i.e. "Kevin") is stranded at home during Christmas by his family as they hurriedly rush off to Paris. Well, the old man that Kevin helps, the dude in the church who misses his family and all that, is the same guy that I was trying to figure out who he was when I worked at Whole Foods in Berkeley. He was waiting in line and I really wanted to talk to him. Dammit, I wish I would have now. Still, very interesting. I don't know the dude's name, but I definitely recognize him. And as if on cue, the old man shows up with the shovel and knocks the two robbers over the head. Nice.

if one of my dear dear readers could look up this man and find out his story, well, i would be oh so very grateful to you and yours. yes, i would. mamie.

ok, even deeper digression. let's backtrack, shall we?
here's a quick rundown to sum up what the fuck i've been doing of late to warrant such a horrifying interruption in PaperSpray services. these are notes i wrote on monday to toss into this here blog:

Monday, 12-17
i left work early today from B of A, after i showed off the spiffy new database for them. they seemed pleased. my exec pal Leslie even gave me a $5 gift certificate to Starbucks (in her defense, she just knows i like coffee, so the gesture was all good. besides, it's free coffee!). if nothing else, good karma. and even better, good reference. i'm always thinking bobo.

i left work at 2 with no lunch, got a call from a friend in the midwest as i was going to meet my good pal Bri downtown to trade cd-r's for each other. we're good like that.

then i ran into i ran into an old Listen.com pal playing a saxophone on Market and Montgomery, near the BART station. this dude Noah was also laid off and told me he was working three days a week, doing a live jazz club gig the 2nd and 4th fridays of the month at the cellar. And playing on his free days to make ends meet. these times ain't easy friends.
Taking what they giving cause I�m working for a living.
then, i had to hit the doctor scene for an appointment. i won't got into the dirt on that. no sense in stirring up fresh egg batter.

finally, i made it home to start packing. but first, food.

Today�s dilemma:
Herb & Butter or Parmesano Pasta Roni for supper.
i choose herb & butter.

ANNOYING DAMN THINGS:
- That guy that goes like 100 mph in his souped-up green chevy nova roaring down our street each day. I�m waiting for him to either: kill someone; kill an animal; kill himself.
- Pouring rain this morning.
- The fact that Happy doesn�t turn the shower nozzle off after showering.
- Cat pee really fucking stinks
- Thank you loss of hearing in left ear. what the fuck?

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY THINGS
- new kitty litter
- defrosting the extra fridge downstairs
- Amelie�s upper lip
- Amelie�s hair
- Amelie�s overall cuteness in general
- The Kitty laying on my arm while I type.
- The Kitty licking my right hand. The Kitty purring
- Working at B of A today. Yay. Money money money.


i Need money back from San Jose. i'm Leaving tomorrow. i got Cds to burn too.

Didn�t sleep that much last night. Didn�t matter all that much, oddly enough. I�m not tired at all.
Need to wash my clothes. And write two cd reviews. My bills needs to get paid yo. and how about that photo to winona love.

Sunday (12.16) was a day of rest, considering I needed a lot of rest. Slept till noon. Stayed at home all damn day, yo. Making cd-r�s for the masses. a lot of cd burning, a lot of computer finagling, storywriting, story preparing, pitch writing, kitty loving and jump roping. did i leave the house? not.

Saturday (12.15) - "Went to a party last Saturday night. Didn't get laid, got into a fight." Don't know what the fuck made me think of Lita Ford. But I did. Hmmm. What the hell is wrong with me? Funny thing is it reminds me of the time I won tickets on the radio to see ol' Lita in Kalamazoo's State Theatre. Yes indeed.
we Picked up the painting tina b bought (it's awesome) and got litter and food for the kitties. Yo.

Ms. P's going away party at 26Mix. Party with Ms. P before she hits the road to Singapore for nine months. Hanging with all the BM peeps. Damn. I�ll miss that little minx. Good times had by all. Lovely lovely.
Hit the party scene with M but all that got us was lost looking for the pseudo-fictional party at 27th and castro, which never really materialized. other parties included the Coles st gathering, invited by Michael from the Ted party on Tuesday.
and the Hayes/Baker cokefest, which we missed. got home at 3:30 a.m.


Friday (12.14) - Hanging with Bri eating with Tina b for the first time during the nighttime at Axum, the Eithiopian restaurant. Then hit the Zim Zum Caf� on Haight for some fine cocktails (I�m down with the White Russian and, my latest fave, Citron and Seven�yep!! I�m hip to the Malibu Rum scene too).

After that, it was back on home to Sweet Home Alabama for pranks, laughs and fudge. Everyone loves fudge. Don't you?

Thursday (12.13) - Zero 7 at Bimbo's 365 Club in SF. Zero 7 show was fucking amazing!! Oh my god!! Totally awesome
and more. Gotta love America! 11 people on tour with them. Insane in the membrane.
Damn yo. Damn.

Wednesday (12.12) - DJ�ed at Fuse in North beach. Very cool scene. Did the East Bay Express/SF Weekly party right before at Sno-Drift. Nice. Picked up Brolin and shit. Brought his ass down. Met Charlie Amter, Dan Strachota and related folk. DJ gig went swell. Poor Tina B got rained on with a beverage. Shouldn�t have done the second spin go-round. not as good. Met a guy named Brent from Little Rock Arkansas who�s Asian. I love the Bay Area.

I need to wash my sweatshirt




Tuesday
Hitting the Mad Dog in The Fog scene for the first time. Striking. Yes yes. Beta Band. Crumpets without tea for the first
time. I lived so large.
Party that night was extra special and so damn good. Ted�s party was a blast and a half. Whoo, met lots of great people.
Including dj mermaid. And many many more. And how about that Nurse chick? Damn straight. And she even shaved her pubic hair in the shape of a cross. I love her already.

I also worked at Bluetooth Convention from Saturday to Thursday, though I didn�t actually work Saturday, even though I got up that the asscrack of dawn, dammit it all to hell! Worked with Angel and Mike from Boston. Learned how to say �beehs� instead of �beers� and �cods� instead of �cards.� I love Boston.

I liked the girl who told us her life story (Linda?), growing up in Utah as a non-mormom, she made $100,000 on her house, lessee..flunked out of school or not really�academic probation.
Bad girl. She needs to get laid. Those tech people are fucked.
Of course, there was also oddly odd asian girl. Her name was Velma. she liked to talk on the walkie-talkie.

and that be it on my end.

now you up to date and shit.
yeah. awww yeah.
more more more.
coming soon.
the actual tale of being in michi!!!
see, it was like a prequel and shit.
you know how we do.

eat crabcake grunion foam

your antler,

Cankerrr Lacka