Tuesday, February 26, 2002

elemental disturbance from on low
that boy needs therapy

the weirdest thing - i was walking home from work today...in our new location in North Beach in SF.... and was in a particularly surly mood.
why the surly mood? oh, let's see...my friend was being kind of a demanding dick via email (which, as most people know, is hard to figure out when people are kidding or are serious); dealing with the whole moving situation, fucked up phones and people talking my ear off when i have things that need to be finished; dealing with my living situation at home, as well as the unfortunate byproduct of a bad living situation with the relatively low-key tone my relationship has taken with my partner; and just my overall frustration with always being behind, always trying to get ahead, and the difficulty of focusing on shit, anything, yo.

yeah, so i was walking home from work today :)......
and amidst all this surly bullshit and heartache and me being pissed off at the world, i was given a little reality check.
i come upon this dude sitting on the corner, his head bowed down as if he's embarassed of being forced to beg for money on the streets. his sign said "until i find a job, i'm relying on your kindess" or something similar.
and on impulse, i threw a quarter into his used Starbucks cup (i could have had a long conversation about the dangers of supporting Starbucks but then again, that'd be fucking shallow and trite of me...sorry).
it was a reality check for me. for a couple seconds, i felt that guys pain. man, here i am worried about all this shit and this guy has nothing.
especially odd was the fact that i NEVER give these people any money. i never even look their way when they're asking me for money and usually ignore them...sometimes raising the ire of these people even more.
just fucked up. i think i see so much homelessness that i've become desensitized to it. plus so many of them go about it all fucked up, forcing their guilt and misery upon you in an instant in the hopes you'll be like "oh, damn, sorry for your situation. let me help you out."

yet, this guy, fuck, i didn't even stop to talk to him. i just kept on walking.
sounds so trivial but it's not. it affected me, obviously.
anyone that knows me understands that, try to follow here, i often feel like i'm just along for the ride and that my present consciousness is divided into parts...part of me is following along, part of me is doing what i want to do on impulse...conducting day to day activities because i have to. in other words, i don't know why i do the things i do. i'm aware of my faults and understand what needs to happen for me to be successful yet i can't seem to make things work all the time. i can't seem to get my shit together.
but then some people have told me i'm too hard on myself and that can't be healthy.
which, is totally true.
i am really really hard on myself. i wish i wasn't. yet, the further behind i get, the worse it gets.
and i understand that it's difficult to force myself day in and day out to go out and do shit, work all day, AND attempt to move forward in my writing career.
something's got to give and it feels like the writing of late.
plus i want to do my dj career even more.
so what the fuck do i want???? what the fuck do i want????
i don't know
yet somehow i know what i'm capable of...and i can't seem to do it.
i wish i was in some sort of situation where i had somebody to answer to, somebody who said "hey, we need this by such-and-such a date or you're going to die."
~~ chuckle ~~
ok, maybe not "die" per se, but you get what i'm thinking.
i have editors that hover dates over me and i cannot make the fucking deadlines. i cannot.
i don't know why. i ALWAYS push things to the limit. why why why? why can't i work ahead? why why why?
i need to make a tax appointment to do my taxes, i need to cancel my health club thing, i need to contact people and yet i don't do these things.
maybe part of it is understanding somewhere deep down that i cannot do everything and that taking too much on is only going to fuck me even more.
yet, i want to do these things. i want to do everything.
the problem is i'm inherently a social being in need of interaction with others, not to mention a constant curiousity that forces me to find out what the hell is going on all the time.
so much shit, damn.
how am i going to accomplish anything if i can't get anything finished.
"i just want to be who i am" - an appropriate line from this James Hardway album...speaking of, i'm yet again procrastinating by doing this now instead of writing my fucking story.
yet, my blog, of late, seems to bring me more joy than some of my writing does, even though i know i'm a music freak and know i'm good at what i do.

i'm talking in circles, therefore putting my mind in a fucking circle.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

did i mention that i'm attempting to wean myself off the smoke slowly?
i've only gone two whole days and i'm kind of wiry, wandering, and a bit anxious.
yeah, that's it...anxious.
i can't stop thinking about the possibility of taking that pipe in my bag, walking down to yerba buena park next the metreon and taking a couple puffs.
part of me says "you'll be mad at yourself if you do it" and part of me is saying "if you don't do it, you're going to go a bit crazy tonight."
and both of me are right.

on that note, i need to take a step back for a second and stop looking at the goddamn computer screen for a couple minutes.
i just need to breathe.
i just need to focus.
how do i do it?
how? how?
stop smoking pot asshole. sure, easier said than done.
two voices beating with one heart.
gotta love that.

love and hate,

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