plunging into the depths of harrison ford's helmet hair

it feels like fucking winter in the midwest here.
san francisco actually got snow yesterday!! how can this happen?? i am dismayed and frightened. literally, i am unraveling. literally, i am lord.

i've got two songs in my head now:
"my vulva is singing" by the sisters of perpetual indulgence

"space oddity" by the langley school project. haven't heard of the langley school project? kids from the 70s in british columbia recorded in a gym by their music teacher singing popular mainstream hits of the day...very bizarre and eerie, yet fun fun fun too.

can you hear me major tom? can you heeeeaaarrr?
planet earth is new and there's nothing i can doooo..

i hate it when there's too much cream cheese caked on my bagel. i'm the type that prefers a more conservative layer.
and that's one of the few times you could use the word "conservative" and "tim pratt" in the same sentence. not that i actually used tim pratt in the sentence but you get the idea.

walking in the mission last night felt like "taxi driver." that's the only thing i kept thinking of as i walked next to the dopers, pushers, hookers, and scum of the streets. that's what i saw.
along with a few street rats and yesterday morning the biggest cockroach i've ever seen. i mean sure, there are bigger cockroaches in south america but i'm not in south america.
fudge.

planet earth is new and there's nothing i can dooooooo.

hell, one of my fave memories of the 21st to 16th walk at 11:30 p.m. on a cold monday evening was seeing two very nervous yuppies dragging their luggage behind them as fast as they could while nervously glancing behind them...of course, they had reason to glance as there were two shady looking hispanic fellows following close behind them, walking really fast to keep up. they looked like they wanted to rob 'em, though i'm betting they were just trying to scare them. i didn't stop to check.
curiously, i rarely get fucked with by people (knock on proverbial wood). i just look mean and hard and stare straight ahead and don't let anyone catch my eye nor do i get phased by anybody. shady people that want to rob you can sense nervousness, much like a dog can. and i've been bitten by a dog more than once, so i should know (i was a paperboy for christ's sake).

can you hear me major tom? can you hear me major tom?

back to the cream cheese: fuck, it's so hard to do anything when you've got this much cream cheese on your bagel. damn man. gets all over your fingers and stuff. i just was forced to lick off a finger tip due to extraneous cc. such a bummer. i don't think i can make it. i don't think i can go on.

here's something i might do for the next Jay T. Tempura gig (there's one tonight...whoooo, at club deluxe on haight at 8. don't be late! don't praya hate) i thought of having people quoted, talking about how wonderful jay t. is. thing is, all of the people will be named tim pratt...see there's tons of tim pratts out there and i'll use as many as possible with photos, saying things like "i had elephantitus of the liver, bunions, and gangrene, but after going to see jay T. perform, i was cured. god bless jay t. tempura!" or "no words can accurately describe the love i got from jay t. he's so real!" you get the idea. fun and games for pants-wearing folk.

a second thing i'm going to do somewhere..(maybe in my daily updates at my advertising job i'm currently doing) is do a combined horoscope for all signs. make it incredibly vague, something that everyone would do. like "you will read something of importance today. remember that. and write it down." in fact, here is the horoscope i just wrote for today:

CONSOLIDATED HOROSCOPE - All signs included (saving time and space while reading your personal astrology chart)
Tuesday, January 29 - You will likely read something of some importance today that you'll need to either write down or commit to memory. It's best to look your best because looking your worst is worse. You may experience a slight headache for 10 to 20 minutes in the next 24 hours. It might be best to lie down and think about your previous headaches. Also, try to avoid drinking that third cup of coffee like your co-workers want you to do. Instead, reach for Sanka.

i was just recommended to check out a coffeehouse called "oh so little," named after a cat. anybody that names their coffeehouse after a cat named "oh so little" deserves a fighting chance. it's at 233 14th st., at Natoma...not exactly sure where that is. hmmm. 554-0934. see i keep this here because now i won't lose it. i have a tendency to write things down on little pieces of paper and then expect my later self to: a. remember where i put them; b. understand what i was talking about; c. decipher my scribbling; d. eat tuna fish.
and i do none of these things, yet present tense tim can't seem to remember to help out Later Tim or Tomorrow Tim. makes me mad. fucker.

am i sitting in a tin can? faaaarrrrrr above the world....
planet earth is new and there's nothing i can dooooo...

sax solo~~~~~~~

i really cannot stand dick cheney. what an arrogant dick. "i'm not going to turn over my private papers about enron. they didn't have anything to do with the energy policy of this administration." yeah and i'm not a procrastinator. fuck you sidemouth talker. ashcroft, cheney, bush...they should all rot. pigs.

try to use the word "messianic" as much as you can today. sure, it's not as much fun as calling people "chopper," but your coworkers will enjoy making fun of your vocabulary. and at that point, it gives you reason to "accidentally" chop off 1-4 fingers of your arch-enemy at work. you can be like "ooops, how non-messianic of me." see how lovely that word sounds now?

sometimes, dead is bettah.

eat urinal cake juice.

hate, tanks and corporate sponsorships,

Clandestine Cleo