Monday, November 26, 2001

Everything's funnier when grandma is involved.

not your grandma, not my grandma, but just "grandma," that indiscriminate faux person living somewhere in the upper regions of your noggin who you picture when you hear the word "grandma."

that grandma. whether it has to do with just throwing grandma into random conversation, blaming grandma for all the things that went wrong with your life, or specifically identifying grandma in a bizarre sex story involving Cheerios and the latest cd by Nikka Costa, you can be sure that grandma is readily available to use, abuse, defuse, choose and booze it up.

here are a few examples:
- i never knew i had such a spark in me till grandma came a-calling.
- grandma chicken ate my roast beef to spite me.
- my grandma likes to boil soup before giving it to grandpa, then doesn't tell him that it's hot.
- this cd kicks ass! i hope grandma will get me an extra copy.
- grandma introduced me to those hootchies that i fucked. grandma sure is something.
- we want to party, we got to party, we are the party...grandma in the house.
- grandma's kicking it old school on the decks tonight. better watch yo ass.
- dammit! grandma stole my stash again!
- me and kenny were just chillin when all of a sudden, grandma barges in, knocks over kenny and snatches his spliff right out his mouth. damn girl, you be trippin!
- get away from me or grandma gets it in the chin! if you don't think this thing is loaded, just try me buster!
- if it weren't for grandma, all my problems would be solved. damn her.
- grandma sure got us into a messy situation.
- grandma's gonna have to clean up her damn spilled grape juice or they'll be hell to pay from great-grandma!
- grandma!!! come do your push-ups! mom's waiting!
- i sure wish i knew how to solve this calculus problem. luckily, grandma has four doctorates, two in calculus-related subjects.
- if there's one thing i love more than winnie the pooh, it's grandma. she sure is lively.
- better watch out. grandma's on her way. and she's displeased about those carpet remnants you burned.
- let's hit the steambath, grandma!
- oh grandma, i'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law. Hangman is coming down to gallows and I don't have very long.

as you can see, grandma is righteous and doesn't like to fuck around.
feel free to call on grandma whenever you feel the urge. not only will mom appreciate the fact that you really do think of your grandma more than once a year, but grandma will feel good knowing you use her in random conversation.
i know both my grandmas love it when i call them up and tell them about all the bitches and ho's i'm down with...i just say "s'alright, tho. cause when i'm with them, i'm only thinking of you grandma!"

works every time.

eat additional plums before supper

your sex slave,

grandma junket

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